Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
