everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
