im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
