Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
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