Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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