My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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