I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize