he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
