i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
