Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
