Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
