Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
