What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
