I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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