she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
