My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
