Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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