Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
