The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
