I wish I only lived at night.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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