It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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