his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
