Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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