I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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