This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
