I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
