never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
