Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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