Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize