hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
