the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize