3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize