The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize