I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
