do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
