best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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