I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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