Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
