do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
