Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
