I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
