I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You are a genius and a whore.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
