I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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