I wish my penis had an off switch
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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