I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
