this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
this hospital has no fireball
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
