Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
What a dumb baby whore.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
