new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
