I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
