I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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