There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
