Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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