mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
