he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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