did you get engaged???
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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