How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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