just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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