he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
how drunk are you?
Several
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
