I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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