Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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