Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
