sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
