Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
