Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize