Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
