Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
