my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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